You Can Stop the Fighting!
2/23/2008
Marriage therapists are trained to help people to calm down and behave peacefully with another. It’s a skill that they themselves will often use during counseling sessions to restore calm and maintain a therapeutic, useful atmosphere. If you and your spouse have developed habits that include a lot of conflict that results in verbal fighting, you may want to know some the “tricks of the trade.” Here are some methods that marriage counselors may use to calm a situation and reduce tension:
- Respond in a soothing way with a calming tone. Say, “Gee, I’m so sorry you are so upset about this.” Answer in a matter of fact tone, keeping your voice as free as emotion as possible. Keep your body movements toned down and non-threatening. Actually agree with the angry person. Think hard and try to find something that you can agree with them on. (In a calming voice) “Yes, I can see why you get angry when I leave my towel on the bathroom floor.”
- Respond with humor. Laugh at yourself. Don’t laugh at them or what they are angry about. Say, “You are right (laughing). How could I have been so ridiculous?! I blew it!”
- Take a break to cool down. Keeping yourself calm and collected is vital. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom or walk around outside, anything to keep you from engaging in the fight.
- Express your appreciation for the person’s honesty. Be careful not to come across as sarcastic or phony. “I know that was hard for you to say to me because I haven’t been easy to live with, but I’m glad to finally hear you say what is bothering you.”
- Consider the other person’s situation and feelings. Maybe he had a really bad day at work or she may be overwhelmed dealing with the children. Asking about how the meeting went or how the visit with grandma was may help to sidestep the discussion and get to the heart of the matter.
- Respond with affection. It can aid in cooling off and change the feel of the exchange. Be genuine and caring. Be gentle- non-sexually affectionate.
It’s not difficult to quit fighting. It does take some change of habits. It is important to take the time to understand your spouse and what is going on in his/her mind and life. Take yourself out of the fight first. That’s a giant step in resolving conflict.
Posted By: jonealkirby | 69 views
Tags: marriage
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