Ask the Doctor Q & A with Dr. Joneal Kirby
8/16/2008
Q. My husband and I are getting a divorce. This has been the toughest thing I have ever gone through, but I can’t imagine how hard this is going to be for my kids. They are 8 and 6, both boys, and they love their dad very much. I hate that we are doing this to them, but we have tried counseling and talked to our pastor a number of times, but we just can’t seem to get past the problems we have. How can I help my children as our family splits up?
A. I too, hate that you are divorcing. This is a terrible situation for anyone to be in and especially for your kids. There is no question that divorce is really awful for them. To have their security – which is their family- torn apart is a horrific thing for them.But our loving Heavenly Father loves you and your children and He is the God of Healing and will be active in helping you and your children to have what you need. Placing Him at the center of your healing is essential. And there are some very specific things that you and their dad can do to help your children's lives not be overwhelmed by this tragic event. For one thing, remember to be available to listen to your kids when they need to talk. You may not be able to anticipate their readiness to talk. It may be at the most unexpected time – but when those times come, listen and learn how your child is really feeling. And next, be the best at YOUR job – being their mom. You can’t be both parents, so put your efforts and energy into being the mom that they need you to be. That means also thinking about your example and influence on them, knowing that they are watching to see how you will handle this change in your lives.
It’s also very important to constantly reinforce to your children that the divorce is not their fault. In my job as a marriage and family therapist, I have heard many adults express how they always thought that their parents would have stayed together if they had just obeyed them better, or were nicer to their sisters, etc. Kids don’t understand adult’s problems, and they do believe that everything is about them! A divorce in their parents’ marriage is no different. So you and their dad need to be very clear with them about the reasons (as much as is appropriate) for the divorce to reassure them that it is not their fault. It is also very important that you and their dad not use your child as a spy on the other parent, or as a messenger to carry “lessons”, criticisms, or directives to your ex-spouse. Telling your child to “tell your Dad that he’s late with the child support” is very confusing and hurtful to them as they are trying to adjust to dealing with two different households.
I’ll conclude by encouraging you to get outside help with your sons and for yourself. You may want to see a family counselor who can assist you with your adjustment to your divorce. And make sure your children have support from friends, your youth or children's minister, grandparents, and teachers and coaches. Your spiritual life may need a boost too, and so deepen and strengthen your own prayer life, Bible study and your association with a church and other Christians. I pray that God will bless you to overcome any bitterness and pain in your heart and that you will find the strength and courage to continue to be your best as your kids' mom.
Posted By: jonealkirby | 80 views
Tags: divorce and kids