Ask the Doctor by Dr. Joneal Kirby
4/11/2008
Q: My 18 month old has started climbing out of his crib and coming into our bedroom during the night. I know now that I made a mistake by letting him get into bed with us, although I put him back into his bed after he fell asleep. He is now doing this as much as six times during the night and won't let me put him back in his bed without a real battle! Now, he refuses to go to sleep in his bed. When I leave him in his bed by himself he cries and screams like he’s afraid. My husband and I don’t like to hear him cry like that. I’ve talked to some of my friends and understand this is pretty normal behavior for his age, but I really want him to go to sleep in his bed like he used to. How can I get him to do this and stay in his bed all night long? We want our bed back!
A. Most kids, your son’s age love to sleep with mommy. It’s the nicest, most comforting place for them. So, it's not a bad thing to let your child sleep with you - once or twice – when he’s sick or after a nightmare EXCEPT the problem is that most kids won't agree to stop there. When children come into your bed, that becomes a place of comfort for them especially when they are upset or can’t get themselves back to sleep. Your attention makes him feel warm, cozy, safe, protected. So of course, separating from that is just the opposite: impersonal and somewhat scary. The reality is that his bed and his room is probably a special place that you have made just for him. The problem for him is that YOU are not in it. My point is that being with Mommy and Daddy in their comforting space is a lot more pleasant than being alone.
However, what child experts know is that being alone is a good thing for your child. Not that he's alone - alone. But that he can learn to cope with the experience. Nurturing a child towards a mature, self-confident independence means putting them in situations where they can develop confidence and overcome fears. Of course, this take years of similar experiences. He won’t be ready to go to college tomorrow! But parents can start with baby steps - like getting him to sleep all night long in his own bed and room. So if you really want your bed back, you've got to take it. I mean take the crying, fussing and allow him to self-settle.
That means that he will learn how to settle himself down by himself if one or both of you aren't rushing in to rescue him from ---- himself. You see, what happens is that the more attention you give him when he's upset, the more he thinks that I must need to be upset because that's when mom and dad pay attention to me. In other words you reinforce his fears and dependency when you become a part of his "upset". So put him to bed. Give him a nightlight, a cuddly toy or blanket or both. Tell him a story, sing him a song, say a prayer with him and tell him that you are so proud of him being such a big boy to sleep in his own bed. And that he is not to get up. That if he needs to cry, that he can. But that he will have to stay in his own bed in his own room. Say this as if you are talking about something as pleasant and simple as teaching him to throw a ball. Be encouraging and upbeat and calm. Try to stay relaxed. By your demeanor you will be modeling how much confidence you have in him to be able to do this.
And let him cry. You can listen for him, for your own well being, but don't go in and check on him. If he gets up, put him back to bed and do this over and over. Don't get in bed with him. That just gives that additional aid of helping him settle down. Remember that he needs to learn how to settle himself down after he wakes up or as he's going to sleep. He's become accustomed to you helping him sleep. You have to let him do that now.
This is hard. Know that it may take a week or so. But if you are consistent and calm, it will work and you will have your bed back. And your little boy will be one step closer to going to college without you.
Posted By: jonealkirby | 150 views
Tags: baby, bedtime, sleep, toddler
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